Playing Catch-Up

Ok, ok, I'm caving! I'm making a blog so that all my friends & family (especially those in Germany) can keep up with my pregnancy and the baby's progress. I did keep a "journal" of sorts since I found out, so I will retype it here for those of you who'd like to catch up. I can't promise that I'll post a lot, but I'll do my best!

A lot of this is ranting nonsensically (pregnancy turns your brain to mush!). The more the pregnancy started to sink in, the more I started to writing this part of the journal TO the baby. If she's interested, she can read it one day and learn what a neurotic nut-case her mother is!


6-22-05 6 Weeks
So nauseated every day
Tired and irritable beyond belief
Every smell disturbing
Love cinnamon candies
Sneezing constantly

6-23-05 6 Weeks
Sickness getting worse then better
1st appt next week, very worried, but hoping for the best
Can’t believe there’s a real person inside me, don’t want to get too attached just in case it turns out to be not real

6/29/05 7.4 Weeks
Yesterday was my very first doctor appointment with Dr Christopher Morris at Providence Women’s Care Clinic at the Presbyterian Hospital Tower. It was at 10:15 AM and Devin came with me as well as my best friend, Heather Alexander, who brought her two kids, Darius and Pheonix (who had Dr Morris deliver her as well). The appt lasted 3 hours, with blood & urine tests, pap smear, and lots of questions. I worry about my health affecting the baby; I hope all tests come back with good news. Heather held my hand as we did the ultrasound and I saw the baby in there. I heard its little heartbeat, strong and safe. Based on baby’s measurements, I was 7 weeks and 3 days along, which is less than I’d originally thought, since my last period started April 29th. I found I was pregnant on June 1st, 2005, a day that’ll forever be etched in my memory.

I must note that my weight at this appointment was 128 lbs, slightly less than what I’ve been weighing at for the past few months, so I will call this my starting weight.

Also, Dev and I play Rummy in bed every night before we go to sleep and he makes me breakfast in bed and packs my lunch every day. Tiny Baby, you are lucky; you have a very sweet daddy.

7/6/05 8.4 Weeks
Although my morning sickness isn’t really getting better, I’m learning to deal with it better. I eat every 2 hours, it seems like. I still cry a lot, over very mundane things mostly. I read pregnancy and birth journals on the internet daily and cry over them as well. It’s hard to imagine there’s a baby inside me and I’m so hesitant to really accept it, just in case something terrible happens. I feel like if I steel myself against the endless possibilities, it would be easier to deal when the bad news comes. Funny thing is, I know I’ll be destroyed if any part of the pregnancy is less than perfect. I want to be a good mom, have a decent house, eat healthy, do everything just right, but that’s a lot easier said than done.

7-8-05 8.6 Weeks
My latest lunchtime routine has become going to Taco Bell and getting a Bean Burrito with Rice & cheese and a medium Pepsi. I can’t help it, nothing else sounds remotely appeasing. My stomach and my brain are in cahoots to make every smell cause my stomach to turn. Baby will be 9 weeks tomorrow (according to Ultrasound anyway, which I read could be a week off…not getting my hopes up) and I’m happy about it.

7-11-05 9.2 Weeks
I had my first weird pregnancy dream this weekend. I dreamt that I gave birth (being as big as I am now) to a perfectly sized little baby. For some reason, a cat and a poodle also gave birth to litters that same day at my house. In my dream, the animals and their babies were high on top of a cabinet and I was trying to figure out how to help them down without putting my baby down. Then came the part where I tried to breast feed the baby and it turned into a big mess, I couldn’t do it right. After analyzing my dream (bc I’m so qualified), I determined that the pets represented my changing priorities and feelings towards animals versus protecting my baby. And the breastfeeding anxiety was pretty literal in that I am still on the fence as to what to do with regards to my liver problems and how to best nourish my child.
Heather gave me a bunch of cute maternity clothes yesterday as well, so I added that to what my friend Eve gave me. Heather’s stuff is definitely more flattering, but there are some really great maternity business pants in Eve’s pile, which is a HUGE relief. Eve has also given me multiple baby books and magazines, a fetal heart monitor, and 2 big bags of clothes. Heather’s friend Amee White gave me a baby bouncer seat and has offered me all kinds of other stuff to come as well. If I have a girl, I will inherit all the girl stuff from Heather and Amee White, which will be great. Thank God for good friends.
Heather thinks the baby is definitely a girl. I’d love a little girl and always thought my first would definitely be a girl, but even before I knew I was pregnant, I’ve called the baby a boy. It would be weird to have a boy, I’d have no idea how to dress them or deal with their idiosyncrasies. I’m sure a girl would be just as challenging to raise, just easier to shop for. If I have a healthy baby, I will be happy. My worry eats me alive, I want some godly fast-forward button to check and make sure. It’s hard to imagine that after I’m pregnant forever, I’ll have a baby to care for forever…what a concept!



July 13, 2005 9.4 Weeks Pregnant
Today was my second doctor appointment with Dr Morris. It was pretty short, all in all, but some important stuff happened. First, I got to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler, which was awesome! I could listen to that sound forever, it was so loud and strong sounding to me. It took him a minute to find it, which scared the crap out of me, but he found it on my lower left side. What a relief! Baby, your heart is still beating! I wish I could afford one of those machines so I could do it every day.
Another important thing that happened was the results of my blood-work and pap smear. Everything was perfect! In fact, my HCV RNA came up negative, which means there’s no virus in my body. I’m hesitant to even believe it, I don’t want to get too excited. Needless to say, it’d be a miracle if it’s true. Even though I’ve not had blood-work or a pap smear done in at least 2 years, everything looks wonderful. I am still in awe of my own body, healing itself from some pretty dire circumstances and becoming healthy enough to create a whole new human being! Pretty extraordinary stuff, if you ask me.
Also, my weight today was 132, 4 lbs heavier than 2 weeks ago! The Doctor said my swollen tummy up top was probably from gas more than anything, distension I guess.
My weight is still very normal for me, but I still worry I’m doing something wrong. I’m neurotic, I know!

7-20-05 10.3 Weeks
So, the little buzzing in my tummy that makes me nauseous is gone, but has been replaced by annoying heartburn. My gag reflex is still strong though and I get nauseated from smells and sights still. In fact, I threw up this morning for no apparent reason. It took me a while to get in to work, but I feel a little better now that I’m here.
My new craving is Jewish Rye Bread, I made Devin go back in the store last night to exchange the white bread he’d bought and bring me rye. I didn’t like the kind he brought, so I went back in and got another kind. Needless to say, I felt like a freak exchanging bread twice in 5 minutes, but eating it today made it so worth it.
I’ve been supremely worried lately about all my responsibilities and especially money. If someone would just drop 10 thousand dollars out of the sky, that would pretty much take care of it all. I look around Devin’s house and think how unfit it is to bring a child up there, too many places for tiny fingers to get caught in, not to mention the new little mouse who has taken up residence with us. I do not mind small furry mammals, but it really can’t live inside. Devin wants to put down rat poison, I think that’s awful, but I also can’t stand the alternative. It’s really not the mice’s fault though, poor dear.
Another new twist on the pregnancy front is constant headaches. It feels like sinus pressure all around my head. It is becoming increasingly clear that I need to lock myself in the bedroom and watch digital cable all day, every day. Too bad I can’t get paid for that.

7-25-05 11.3 Weeks
Yesterday, I was very worried about you. I called the Doctor’s office because I’d been cramping pretty badly since Friday. This weekend, my mom and Devin helped me move all my stuff from my apartment into Devin’s. We really got a lot done, the house is starting to look like an actual home. Anyway, I was afraid I’d overdone it and had somehow hurt the baby. Fear of miscarriage has hounded me every step of the way.
So, I went to the Doctor, who assured me my cramps were related to some gastrointestinal virus or something, but not hurting the baby. He gave me an ultrasound immediately and what I saw just blew my mind. There you were, with little arms and legs, kicking and dancing around. I started to laugh, making my tummy jump and you did a cartwheel! Who knew you were a gymnast! You had your little hands up by your face and you moved continuously, dancing to your own little beat. I keep giggling at the thought of you doing that flip and thinking that every time I laugh about it now, you could be flipping again.
You are my little miracle, how else can you explain the amazing little life growing inside of me?
Just a side note, I now weigh 133 lbs, that’s another pound in less than two weeks. Still, that’s 5 lbs at almost 3 months pregnant, I think that’s perfect. Another thing I’d like to note is how Heather and Mom both think you’re a girl. I have my doubts, but we should know pretty soon (if you’re willing to cooperate, that is). My next appointment is scheduled for August 10th and my cousin Jenny from Germany is coming on the 4th, I think, and Daddy starts school on the 15th – a very busy month ahead!


Friday August 5, 2005 12.6 Weeks
Mommy has fallen off the looney truck, it’s true. I’ve managed to pick a fight with or be a bitch to everyone in my life at least once over the past week.
But, this will all be worth it, Pumpkin Pie. Mommy can handle being crazy for a while longer, I’m pretty used to it.
Also, I’m thinking if you’re a girl, I’ll name you Lily and a boy will be Julian. I love names that are soft, classic and still new-age tinged!

Thursday August 11, 2005 13.5 Weeks
Yesterday I had another appointment with Dr Morris. I got to hear the heartbeat briefly and that was basically it. My weight is up to 136 (more like 135 ¾), which is slightly alarming, but oh well. We will find out on September 7th how you are doing in the womb with an ultrasound. Hopefully, if you participate, we will find out if you are a boy or a girl! I’m more worried about you being healthy than your gender. We will find out soon enough! I can’t wait another month, I’m dying to know now!
I have also been looking forward to feeling you move around in there, but as of yet, I haven’t felt anything. Don’t worry though, I shouldn’t feel you for another month or so.
In other news, I went with my Mom and my cousin Jenny from Germany to Myrtle Beach this past weekend. It was great; we stayed at a hotel called the Sea Mist in South Myrtle on the 8th floor. I did a lot of walking in the water and some swimming too. My calves are still sore from all that walking. I may just have to give up exercising entirely (which, you will find out, is not so tough for me). I was thinking about you, all tiny in my stomach and how it was your first beach trip. Too bad you couldn’t hear the waves crash or see the ocean, but I’m sure you felt mommy topple over several times due to the big waves. Don’t worry, I will take you back there someday.

Tuesday September 6, 2005 17.2 Weeks
This past month has flown by! Devin started school on August 15th and he likes it a lot. Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, LA and other gulf states and completely obliterated them. Our President is still a putz with no change in sight. And the best of all…I felt you move!!! At exactly 17 weeks, I finally realized that all the thumping in my abdomen was you moving around! Now that I’ve recognized it, I feel you quite a bit. I sit there, during meetings or at my desk, with this goofy smile on my face because right now, you are my little secret. Devin put his hand on my belly on Monday (Labor Day) morning and thought he felt a thump from you. You’re a very active little person, constantly on the move.
Tomorrow is the big ultrasound! I can’t wait to see you on that screen. Hopefully, we’ll find out your gender (I really need to start shopping) and see that you are a healthy little soccer player.

Wednesday September 7, 2005 17.3 Weeks
Well, today was the big day!! I tried so hard not be nervous this morning, but I could hardly contain myself. We had to wait in the doctor’s office for 45 minutes before they took us back for the ultrasound. Then the Tech took us back and in a matter of minutes, you were up on the screen.
The reality still hasn’t hit me yet…seeing your little tiny bones and organs, a whole person forming inside of me. You were perfect, everything doing just as it’s supposed to…an amazing feat, really, when you’re only 6 inches long! She measured your brain, checked out your heart, watched you swallow amniotic fluid into your tummy, checked your kidneys and god knows what else. She tried to check between your legs, but your silly cord was in the way (but I was happy to know that you had a cord!). For a second there, I really thought we’d go home not knowing. And then it happened…she froze the screen and pointed at some unidentifiable object and said the magic words “It’s a girl!”
You can imagine my shock, as I’ve been thinking that you were a boy this whole time (oops, sorry!). That’s when a small bit of reality started to hit me…you were real and furthermore, you were my baby girl! Your dad was very excited to see you on the screen; he said he knew all along you were a girl. Apparently, everyone did except me. I can’t complain at all, I’m so elated…and still in complete shock! We have another appointment in 4 more weeks. For now, I’m looking forward to you moving around more and showing daddy your stuff from the outside. Right now, when you jump around in there is my little secret (which is hopefully just one of many things we will share closely). You are my little miracle baby, I can’t help but wanting to use the name Grace somewhere in your name because God’s Grace brought you to me, inside me.
Also, I just wanted to note that my weight is at 142 lbs, oh my god!!!